The BIG DEEP BLACK HOLE of Queries

I always bitch about how much I hate query letters. I hate them. They give me hives. I need Valium and Advil together to write them. And it never fails, that after I send them out, the next day I realize they could have been done so much better. I hate query letters!

You send queries out either in snail mail or email, and they all get together and make a plan. First of all, start off with the assumption that they hate you for making them do any work. Second of all know that query letters always have this conspiracy. You send them out, you wait for an answer, and suddenly, in a five minute period, they all arrive back in your email (or on the same freaking day in snail mail) with all the same answers. "Sorry but ..." And you know deep inside that answer KNOWING that your query letter did all it could to give you an ulcer.

What is worse, when you finally get an answer from the agent, that is positive, oy vey, you have to start the partial to full process. And you know you just know, something is gonna happen. You are going to run out of toner, you are going to put the wrong font in, your paragraphs are gonna go on holiday and strike.

AND THEN finally when you do get that partial out or the full...the next morning you reread it (NEVER DO THAT!!!!!) and you discover OMG two spelling mistakes which that dumb arse Word didn't tell you about, and you want to edit like 10 chapters!!!!!

I HATE QUERY LETTERS. THEY CONSPIRE AGAINST ME.

So today while doing some rare clean up work....I found a copy (that Pop had saved cause he was gonna brain me for doing this), of my application essay to a very prestigious Ivy-League University.

In it they said three things make up your acceptance or rejection: (there is that word again - "rejection")
1. Your HS marks
2. Your Interview
3. Your essay on the application
That essay was MY FIRST QUERY Letter!

So in it they ask in 500 words or less to tell them all about my history until that point, my desires, my dreams and what I wanted to get out of U.

So smart-ass me, writes an essay on how it is ludicrous to ask someone to write an essay in less than 500 words about all that. And I did it in 350+! (True Story btw....I reread that essay just now and I gave myself 10 gold stars!!!)

That was my essay. I got the interview, and I got accepted though I did not go.

So that is my query letter lesson of the day
My next query is going to read:

Dear Agent:

If you think I can put down and describe in 50 words or less this incredible literary piece that will change the world, you are as crazy as I think you are. So instead I will allow my query to conspire against me and make sure I spelled your name wrong, the agency name wrong, and everything else being even, I expect to hear from you in around 3 weeks, cause your servers went down and my query letter hopped around the globe from email to email box for around a week.

Of course, the 50 queries I sent out today will also arrive all on the same day with 10 minutes of each other. Since I expect 49 acceptances (hey there is always one agent who can't read!) do not waste a moment in saying Yes. Otherwise I will just have to put your desire to read my masterful piece of work in line behind the others.

Just send your acceptance to my email (correct) address. My query will always return from the black hole whence it took vacation.

Sincerely,

Ted William Gross

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