Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Friday, December 14, 2007

Throw A Rock And Hit A Writer...

One of the most startling things tourists from the US find in the Jerusalem and Tel Aviv streets while they take a stroll, are the incredible amount of street cats that populate the cities. The city managers have over the course of the years, attempted to bring this blight under control coupled with the ASPCA, but cats are still all over. When my mother, years and years ago used to visit here, she would love to say, "If you throw a rock in Jerusalem, chances are you will either hit a lawyer or a cat." And certainly it is true there are more lawyers here then one knows what to do with, but I think most of us would kind of hope the arc of the rock would miss the cat and let us say, graze the lawyer. A gentle nudge as it were.

Well, things change. The world moves on. Technology has taken over our lives. And so today, the saying should be changed just a wee bit. "If you throw a rock in Jerusalem, chances are you will either hit a writer or a cat."



Everyone I meet these days is a "writer" or an "author". I do not say this with any embedded cynicism by the way. I think self-expression is a very good thing. But recently while I perused the pathways of the Internet, I have come to amend that statement once again.

"If you throw a rock on the Internet, 99% of the time you will hit someone claiming to be a writer. The other 1% of the time your rock will land in a no-man's land."

Recently with a bit of tongue in cheek I talked about the new Internet craze, Facebook. (The Book Will Not Make You Succeed - You Make The Book Succeed). And in truth Facebook is somewhat fascinating, in that gadzillions of people secretly found a way to waste their time by throwing kisses, hugs, booze, cats, balloons, and every object you can possibly think of at each other. They flirt, they take virtual showers together, they talk and they babble. It truly is a fascinating aspect of human culture in our day and age. And every time they do something you get hit with an email!



On Facebook there are groups. Much like the "old technology" of Yahoo groups and Google groups. Anyone, as far as I can tell, can start a group, about any subject under the sun. So of course one should not be surprised that there are quite a few "writing" groups on Facebook as well. Some have already garnered a few thousand members. And what is actually interesting, is that there is no snipping, no foolishness and certainly none of the Absolute idiocy one finds on other writer Absolute writer forum boards these days. Isn't it amazing that when people from all over the world get together, in a decent forum, they can actually deal with the topics at hand?

But back to the point. So these groups allow many of the writers to emerge from the closet as it were. Some of course, make the major boo-boo of posting their work on Facebook itself. Others publish it in their blogs.

But the major lesson is this:

Everyone is becoming an author these days!

To be sure I myself got into trouble when I joined a group whose Administrator had begun it to give some more PR to her own business. I did not realize this at first, however, it is perfectly legitimate to do such things. So when this person started posting about the great possibilities of self-publishing, I posted back a reply not in favor of it. Well I got smacked down! OMG! On Facebook yet! I still cannot figure out if the person is a PR company, or offering her services to be a go-between. One of those people who promises to get you an agent. Is this individual legitimate or just a shell for a scam?

But you know what? Everyone is an author. And no matter how many times we write about scams and such, grown people will often do childish things. Simple as all that. And they are often parted from their hard-earned money.

Back to the point... yet again!



Sites like Facebook (Gather as well) are slowly making inroads into our way of acting, reacting and thinking. It is a very swift exchange of information, and there is certainly an ever-increasing "information overload" going on. The trouble is no one person can cover it all. Trends come and go, but the art of writing certainly is loved and cherished still, if one is to judge by the numbers.

I assume, and this may be a faulty assumption, most of the writing is just for fun though many have professional aspirations. Still if one wants to get a handle on things that interest people today, and write about it, I can think of worse endeavors than to spend a few days looking at Facebook and Gather and studying the actions and reactions of people. You are not going to get famous on Facebook. It wont raise your Google ranking for your name. But it will allow you a peek into the changing world of things.



So when you do your research, go to Gather and Facebook and throw a rock. Make it a light one and don't hurt anyone. But chances are you are going to hit a writer or a would be author. Chances are as well, you will end up wasting an enormous amount of time. But it is better than watching and episode of Law and Order or CSI for the fifth time! And besides, on Facebook if you do publish your latest chapter, you can at least get all your listed friends to read it! Just throw them a hug and a kiss and a balloon!



Posted On: Cobwebs Of The Mind


Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Musings On The Query Letter

When I was a kid in the middle ages, just when humanity started emerging from the dark ages, we used to travel to Florida for a couple of weeks during winter vacation. Plane rides were a hoot then. You could talk to the pilot, go into his cabin, and actually not worry about too much. Mom though, was scared to death of planes. She would get nervous and antsy every time we got on one. She would also insist on asking the pilots if they had a drink or were coming straight from having a fight with their wives. Mom was a great believer in the psychological equilibrium and happiness of the person who was going to take her up a few miles into the sky.

Every time I had to send out a query letter I wanted to ask the agent the same thing before she or he read it. Did you have too much drink today? Did you have a fight with your spouse, the kids, your parents, the dog? Are you calm and relaxed? Are you ready? Can I get you a cup of tea? Coke? Water? Buy you a meal? Does Fido need to be fed?

I have admitted quite a few times in Cobwebs Of The Mind how I really suck at Query letters. I have also posted quite a few times about the importance some agents (or maybe most agents) put on the query letter. Now it is time to get real.

Query letters are for those who really don't have an agent. Or even for those who have a publisher but not an agent yet (though having a publisher without an agent is usually just a matter of saying "I have a bona-fide publisher but I do not have an agent yet.") I know many hopeful authors spend oodles of time and aggravate themselves endlessly on the right words to put in a query letter. Many put more work into the query than they would into the opening sentences in their books. They spend hours putting letters together into words and words into sentences.

There have been gadzillions of books written on just how you can write a query letter that will sell your material. There have been gadzillions of conferences and courses teaching authors just what to get into those 250 words on that one page of a query letter. And for sure knowing how to write a good query letter is probably an important thing. It is like writing advertising copy for yourself and your work. Think of back jackets on books that you know. Punch lines, leaders, teasers.

The agent you are writing to in effect says: "Tell me why I should look at something you wrote, when I have at least 1000 other query letters in my in box." That is a fair request. Though it is not your fault any agent feels overwhelmed by their in-box. They wanted the job, they want to make money, they want to do it, I have no pity for their in-box even when you are astonished by the numbers as you can see in this post over at Bookends, LLC - "Query Recap". Hey, it is your business and job. So if queries do really get an agent new and good clients, why complain at the numbers?

If you have not yet guessed this already, at many agencies your query letter is going to first be read by some intern, college or graduate student who has been hired to weed out the bad queries. Just read the blog of the one calling herself "The Rejecter" if you don't believe it. Her subtitle of the blog, which irks the hell out of me, though I happen to think "The Rejecter" is a cool lady - "I don't hate you. I just hate your query letter."

You pray they will know how to read, they take their job at least 25% seriously, and they can understand more than three word sentences. And you hope they actually get to read most of the queries sent to them so they can pass them on to the "real" agent, if they deem it warrants it.

So if you are an unknown your query is going to be first read by an intern than maybe by an agent. In other words that image in your mind of the agent sitting down with a happy smile and loving your query has to be amended most of the time. To be sure there are agents who read query letters straight out but many, just for you knowledge, don't see those queries until the intern lets them out of their computer.

That is the nature of the business, or so it seems. Either get that query letter right or hope your Mom is a literary agent. Well, that is what they tell you.

I have a few friends (and yes they will remain anonymous) who are in the publishing industry. I have had many discussions with them about the query letter. Some from the perspective of authors who have sold books, others who are agents, and a couple who are editors. As you may be able to tell the subject of query letters bugs the hell out of me even though I know agents sometimes have to "query" an editor. Imagine that! Your query to an intern than an agent who in turn has to query an editor.

Ack! Queries. Ugh!

So where am I going with all this? Well, here is an honest to goodness quote from one of the most successful literary agents in the non-fiction arena. I kind of take liberties when we email, and I began an email once, "Here is my sucky query letter." I would not suggest you try such a thing unless of course the one getting your query is your wife and you are on great terms with her!

So here is the quote. Take it or leave it.
...and there are no really good query letters - the ones I get that tell me this will be the next best seller or everyone loves this, I delete after that first sentence, lol
So lesson to be learned. In your next query letter resist the urge to tell the agent how great your writing is, and how you are the next best-selling author. And pray the intern is in a good mood, the agent has not fought with their spouse, and the sun is shining and the angels smiling.

Remember all that stands between you and your ten million advance is a great query letter and a few years in the White House.

And never forget the true, real purpose of the publishing industry:



Posted On: Cobwebs Of The Mind


Friday, December 22, 2006

OMG - They Are All Closing Down For The Holidays

What am I going to do? The blogs are all closing down. All the agents are going on vacation. They won't read my query letters. They won't read the book I submitted. They won't see my blog. They won't be there to comment.

I am going into withdrawal.

Let me see. Miss Snark is busy with the crapometer. I already wrote about that. The Rejecter got herself into some nutty argument with a POD author. Book-Ends which I was going to give a Super Teddy award to - closed down until the New Year! How dare they! Other agent blogs are slowly but surely closing down until the end of the holidays.

Let's see. Let's see. Who can we pick on today? Mind is a blank so I am going to pick on myself!

I should finish some short stories I have been working on. I should really get to work on at least one of my WIP's. I should WRITE!

OMG. What a unique thought! I should write! But for whom? For what? For where? How?

Questions. Questions. Questions.

Life is full of these crazy, silly questions.

Posted On: Cobwebs Of The Mind

The Chronicles of the Children of Heaven The View From Jerusalem T3 - Teddy's Techie Tips Cobwebs Of The Mind Help! I Have A Fire In My KitchenClick For Teddy's Writing Mania


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Valid Moments For That Naughty F*** Word To Escape From Your Virgin Lips

A moment respite from our normative need to present the best and brightest at Cobwebs Of The Mind. We need to rest. Laugh. Curse.

Potty-Mouth has arrived folks so close your eyes if you cannot handle it!

A Best Friend sent me an email yesterday, whose subject was:
"When its OK to say the F#$%^&^$&^ word".

Since this email is hilarious I am 100% sure it has and still is making the rounds in ever-increasing circles. However, some of you may miss this absolute gem, (and this is coming from someone who hates jokes!), and not have such giving friends as I do.

So as a community service and out of the generosity of my heart, I am including it here with commentary. Now, no stealing. If you want to spread the word LINK. (Sheesh, you guys are impossible sometimes!)

Okay to make sure I am not stepping on any legal toes here, I did notice that some of the pictures had on the bottom, the engraving of a web site, Worth1000.com. So to make sure I am a good boy, though these pictures have been sent to thousands if not millions of people via email already, I am pointing this out with a link to the web site. (No copyright sign appears on these pictures though.)

All rightee, folks - Here is the official permission slip of when you are allowed to use Potty Mouth and scream out that F*** word for the whole world to hear.

Any parent will certainly understand this one. Indeed, if you take this scene calmly I strongly suggest you need new glasses or a better therapist. Upon seeing this a few F*** would be in order, before those poor kids make you laugh your butt off.

Forget the Kids. Clean that TV Quick!




This next one is SO NOT FUNNY...So sad...So scary that I was laughing my arse off all the way to the car! (Stop laughing you...those poor kids. Sheesh, you are cruel!)

Whoever is teaching these kids how to conquer their fear of the water, just made a big boo-boo!




You just have to wonder what is going this through this guy's head right about the moment this picture was taken. I am willing to bet he is cursing the day he ever decided to show off and jump out of a plane.

If God wanted us to fly through the air with silk attached to our back, He would have given us wings. I mean how dumb can you get?



There is just one term I can think of for the next picture. "Organ Donor".
When did some nitwit decide that Motorbikes and their crazy drivers should also be able to fly?

"Look Ma - No Wings. No Tires Either!"




Family and Friend outings and pictures are a beautiful thing! You get to become one with Mother Nature and breathe in all that clean, fresh air. You learn all about the beauty and glorious things that are so wondrous in this world. And you take along your dog. Fido, who has been with you since like forever. He is gonna romp and play. And finally after all these years he really is going to fetch and retrieve. Fido is great with his barking from pure joy.

And finally you reach the top of that awesome mountain and look down upon all the great beauty. And then your friend says, "This is going to make a great picture!" So you line up near the precipice so the picture can be taken for posterity. And as your friend moves back slowly, wanting to get in the perspective on the picture, he steps on the Frisbee you brought along so Fido can catch and retrieve. Without thinking, he bends picks it up, and just before he clicks on that camera, he flings the Frisbee off.

Go Fido Go!




Now here is the TRUE F*** MOMENT. Even the true MOTHER-F***ER MOMENT.
This is essentially the MOTHER of ALL MOTHER-F***ER MOMENTS.

Folks if you ever see live during this next scene, scream out whatever you like, as loud as you like and as long as you have time for. Because I will guarantee you one thing. It will be without doubt the last words to escape your lips in this lifetime. So make it a good one!

All Together Now:
ONE BIG LOUD -
"OH F***!"






With compliments, our commercial break at Cobwebs Of The Mind. Even writers and authors have to laugh at something else besides themselves from time to time!

Posted On: Cobwebs Of The Mind

The Chronicles of the Children of Heaven The View From Jerusalem T3 - Teddy's Techie Tips Cobwebs Of The Mind Help! I Have A Fire In My Kitchen